Shy girl no more!

I'm getting over my shy streak. Just today, I chatted up at least four people and found out more about them. That's a big deal because I don't talk to strangers much. I talked to Tita Jo and Jennifer while looking for more DVDs. (They run a pirated DVD stand. It's wrong, I know, but I'm poor so it's just a matter of survival and not of conscience.) They're very nice people.

Getting over my shyness is one of my big goals. I'm tired of blending into the background. I want to go out there and say Hey, I'm here. Listen to me! It's a big thing to let my voice be heard. My mother does it. She's a pro PR Princess. Mama doesn't look like it but she's very popular. Whenever we go out, she almost always bumps into someone she knows. She chats up salesladies, strangers and random people we sit next to. She's not afraid to raise questions or say what she thinks. But she doesn't lose her cool. She just ends up more popular than ever. I wonder why I'm not like her...

I realized though that although things can go wrong (not getting my class cards from the main campus and getting charged more for a few more meters in the bus...), I'm still okay. I can still smile and go on. It doesn't matter what happened. There's still a capacity for kindness inside.

Smiling at people also works. I try to smile at strangers all the time. Sometimes that's the best way to break the ice. Or it can get you better help. Who knows, when somebody sees you smiling they might smile too. It's a bit of sunshine that we can carry. Somehow, you just know you won't be shy if you smile because it shows that you're very confident.

Cosmo stated that humans thrive on communication. We need to connect with other people. We need to communicate, to share. When we do, we walk away happy. It feeds a need inside of us. When it's satisfied, we become happier because of it. So next time you sit next to somebody, try talking to them. It doesn't matter if it's only small talk! You'll feel lighter. I swear, that's what happened to me today!

If everybody in the entire world tried to do something kind like giving out a smile or lending a hand, it will be a better place. The thought makes me feel better.

---

by the way, Obama won! Yay!

I noticed that you can take anime away from the tv but you can never take anime away from me.

I was playing with my phone last Friday. There were some pretty great pictures actually.

If you're wondering what I really look like... here I am!

It started with finding my notebooks.

I had more than a dozen notebooks and journals stashed away under my book cabinet. This was the collection that I was looking for. Ever since I was young, I kept journals of all sorts to keep track of my thoughts. But I had a bad habit of discarding a journal whenever I bought a new notebook so every journals felt unfinished. After staring at them for a few seconds, I opened the first page and started to read. Then I shut it after half an hour later with tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks. It's been a long time since I looked at them.

Most of the journals were about my journey through high school. I can't believe the amount of angst that I kept inside! I also cannot believe that I was so selfish because all I talked about was myself. Where was the adventures? Where were the milestones? I don't think I wrote anything about the world I lived in. I only wrote what I thought and felt... That's pretty bad, if you ask me now. I could've had a treasure trove of ideas and experiences in there.

The writing was just as bad too. I just wrote what I thought without any regards to grammar but I was particular with spelling. Most of my old entries made me cringe. Shallow, selfish, immature and underdeveloped Aya-chan greeted me like an old friend. It was fun though because I've changed from all of that. In my writing and my lifestyle, of course. Even in the journals, I saw my potential and my eagerness to hone my only talent.

I was so normal. I suffered teenage traumas, worried about grades and chatted about crushes. There were friend-ly fights, classmates-cum-bullies, fanfiction addiction and anime mania.The normal and everyday worries of a teenage girl who was trying to grow up was all here. I didn't know about music or celebrities so I didn't chronicle them. What I knew was anime, books and fanfiction so they were mostly my topics when I wrote. It might sound unusual but that's the only thing that distinguished me from my more normal classmates.

Friendships were formed. Grades were flunked. Anime was raved about. It's amusing to read now. I don't want to imagine the excruciating embarrassment and shame that I had when I was going through it. My teenage years weren't particularly exciting. I only made it sound exciting... It's a shame but it's worth a laugh now.

I grew up in my journals. What used to be embarrassing was suddenly funny. What used to be cool turned dorky. I lost my self-consciousness around other people. I accepted myself, quirks and all. I didn't let my friends go though I let them grow without me. While reading, I felt proud of myself. It was a hard uphill battle to gain self-confidence and friends. But it was a hard-earned victory.

The journals date back to when I was merely thirteen-years-old. That little girl learned about love, friendship, heartache and dreams. I wish I could go back and give her a hug to reassure her that she was loved, admired and respected for what she was. She didn't need to change or to struggle to be liked. (Oh, how she wanted to be liked.) Hell, she didn't even need to be popular. I could tell her to look inside and appreciate what she had because she had everything it takes to become the best thing: herself.

I still keep journals. They're on an assortment of sites. I'm pretty sure that I can track my growth in them. After all, it's fun to review my journals after every decade or so.


 

september ends today.

i wonder what's in store for me.

After many years, I finally finished it. It's been a long time since I first read the announcement on a mailing list that CLAMP was making a sort-of sequel for Cardcaptor Sakura. Of course, curious cat that I am, I read the first chapter and was intrigued. But it was only now that I managed to read the manga and watch the anime. Late, I know, but it's better than never.

Now, to what I think... CLAMP didn't fail in making an amazing story. The plot is interesting, intriguing and far from boring. It is funny and sad, bitter and sweet at the same time. The twists and turns are original and refreshing too. As a fan, I'm satisfied by how they managed to twist and weave the plots into including other characters from a lot of different series that they created. it's a bit of a treat to watch my favorite characters interact with other favorite characters in another anime-universe. I think CLAMP wanted to emphasize the fact that because they are fictional, they are allowed to do as they pleased with them. It's amusing to see the same characters pop up in OOC (out-of-character) mode and in AU  (Alternate Universe) environments.

We're watching a more grown-up, more handsome Syaoran stuggle to save his beloved Sakura-hime from death by swearing to find her feathers with any means necessary. (If you're not familiar with their names, they are popular characters from the mahou shoujo anime Cardcaptor Sakura from several years before. And they are also a canon couple.) The plot really revolved around the story that Syaoran has to gather all of Sakura's feathers that had fled to different worls. Tsubasa, as the name suggests, really focuses on getting her feathers to make up her wings. Sakura lost her wings which was really her soul and memories. In order for her to live, Syaoran sacrificed something very important to him so that he can help her. They're in love but it is severely tested throughout the whole series. No happily-ever-after until they get the work done.

The journey begins when a mage named Fye D. Flowright and a swordsman who goes by Kurogane join their quest. As the beautiful and mysterious Witch of Dimensions, Yuuko Ichihara from xxxHolic, they are meant to travel together in order to get their heart's desires. They are given a white, round and rabbit-like creature called Mokona who had the ability to travel through different dimensions. (I was pleasantly surprised because Mokona was a character from popular anime Magic Knight Rayearth...and it didn't talk much. Now it seemed that Mokona won't stop talking in order to make up for that. XD) So they move on to the next world.

Let's move on to the worst part, my criticisms. I didn't like the pace of the story because it was too slow. I didn't like the way they recycled the characters because it seemed to me that they're just too lazy to think of new people. Imagine seeing the same face over and over again... The thrill wears off, I say. I guess Sakura acts the way she does because she's lost her memories but she isn't an endearing heroine for me. I liked her better when she was the perky and energetic Cardcaptor instead of the fragile and clueless Princess of Clow... No girl power here unless you keep watching Tomoyo-hime. (But she has little screen time unless you keep playing the flashbacks.) Boo! 

I highly recommend this series because it's magnificent and fun... And I can't wait for season two. XD

(Reminder: This is just a bunch of my opinions that I gathered together after watching. I'm not an expert or anything. I just want to keep track of what I'm watching and thinking. :D)

Timo Cruz: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

The universe is listening.

There are only three things that I want in life. One, I want to become successful. Two,  I want to experience life as much as possible. And three, I want to be myself.  It took me an entire lifetime to figure it out. I had goals and ideas before but they weren't clear either. When I decided to sit down and sort it out, my goals were surprisingly simple.

I read somewhere that in order to get what you want, you have to say it. You have to shout, to speak aloud! Your voice must have clarity and conviction to convince the entire universe that you want it. Because the universe is listening and waiting to give it to you. "When you want something - the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it," was a quote from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Why do you think he wrote that if it wasn't true? I included it because I believe in it.

When I said I wanted to be successful, I meant it. I've always wanted to be a writer. Ever since I was a little girl, I knew. But it's terribly hard to become one these days. So I opened my eyes to other fields of interest. I was glad that I lived in an era where careers overlap one another and new opprotunities were born every minute. I was also grateful that I was gifted with flexibility, creativity and openness for such endeavors. Multitasking was like breathing to me. Choosing a career was always a serious business. That's why I played upon my strengths by choosing Bachelor of Arts in Mass Communications for college. In cultivating my appetite for the new and exciting, I prepared myself to choose among careers that veered away from the norm. Fashion, media, music, blogging and the call center industry were only a few of the many options that I've got. I can't be a writer right now but I can be so many things instead.

I don't quite believe that success can be measured by material achievements like a big house in a nice neighborhood, two cars and a membership to an exclusive country club. Some people might think so and I respect that. But I'd prefer to measure my success by how much I gave back and how much I learned. Nice things are great. I love money but it's not my god. I believe that money can be used to improve my life, to help me get out there and to give back to my community.

By putting myself out there, I can accomplish my goal to experience life. Experiences were the best teachers. I wanted to do so many things. My generation was always fond of the fast and the furious. It's no wonder that we were reared to believe that we were the smartest, most fearless and most successful people in the world. The confidence and poise to take on challenges were inborn. I was blessed to be with this generation that can willingly throw themselves into anything for the sake of experience. What I've learned was that you can defy the stereotype, you can fight, you can learn and you can live your life.

I was fortunate to have a supportive and encouraging family who understood this need, this fervor. They were always ready to tell me that I could do it, I should do it. To take a year off from school, to get my first job and to go back to school... It wouldn't have been possible without them. My mother was my rock and inspiration. It was with her guidance and encouragement that I realized what I wanted. She was a gentle and constant figure in my life. It's for them that I want to take risks.

Our financial situation left a lot to be desired. My father retired from work so money was tight. When I used to work, life was easier. It was good for the family because it helped my mother and the budget. They reassured me that it will be fine if I went back to school. That was then. Now that my father was unemployed, the financial situation badly needed help. It was about time that I gave back.

Don't think that I'm unconcerned about my college education. In fact, I prize it quite highly. I truly believe that in order to succeed in life, I need a college diploma. It will open many doors and many opportunities. It was the beacon of hope for four long years of hard work. But the quest to obtain this Holy Grail was taxing and expensive at most. (I'm quite lucky to study in a state institution but we're living in hard times.) I love studying and school. I enjoy learning. But I'm willing to take the unconventional route to finish it.

It might take me longer to graduate but I do not mind. I do not care if I don't get my diploma in time. I'm only nineteen. My age was my advantage. When the second semester comes around, I'd be in another job. I'd be enrolled in school, even for a few major subjects, because I cannot bear to stop studying altogether. I used to hear that I cannot serve two masters at the same time but I'm willing to risk it. I look at my short-term plans with optimism; it's a small sacrifice and price to pay. I might lose the battle but I will win another war. They are equally important things but my family needs me more.

I will be honest with this point: I enjoyed work. I took to it like fish to water. I do not mind balancing work and school. I've always been blessed with multitasking, yes? By putting myself up against the daily stress, pressures, achievements and rewards I grow. I push myself to maximize my personality and resources. I become a better person after every lesson that I learned. It was not easy to work but then no work was ever easy. I was not idle at all. I made use of my preferred skills in communication, writing and fluency in English to hone my edge over others. I realized that in making mistakes, I invited constructive criticism and growth in order to improve. It made me feel alive.

Being myself will be hard work. I've got so many different layers to my personality. But by living, I discover more and more about me. I realized that I loved serving my community and my fellowmen. I loved to shop, to read and to write. I wantto be a part of a magazine someday. I was a great girlfriend and a good friend. I can be a loving and understanding sister and cousin. I can wear yellow and pink everyday. I've got so many things to offer. It will take a lot more courage to be true to myself. It's hard work but it's worth it. I just want to take risks, revel in it and live without any regrets.

The first was always the hardest. But by writing it all down, by shouting it to the heavens and the world wide web I make it known to the universe. I trust and hope that God will weave the tangled threads of destiny and the fabric of life to give me what I want. After all, without His guidance, I wouldn't have the courage to speak up. The universe always listens, even to the softest whisper.


 

I was reading The Alchemist last night. I bought my copy a few days ago. Of course, I didn't think my book collection would be complete without it. I have to have one. Anyway, the old man told Santiago that everyone knew about their Personal Legends when they were little. But when they grow older, they forget it or they give up. They start to believe the world's greatest lie.

Hi~

I woke up three hours earlier than usual. It's as if I wasn't tired from the night before! I'm still dreaming about my calls and my QA (Quality Assurance) agent. Aaargh~!!! I know when I wake up like that. I'm very excited to go back to work. Let's face it. I like what I do. Though I say I hate it, I know I like it. It pays well. *chuckle chuckle* Nah, I'm kidding. I like helping the appreciate people whom I talk to on the phone. It gets easier everyday. I don't have to rely on FS anymore unless I really really need them. It's my last day for this week and I'm looking forward to my pay~ HAHAHAHA!

I'm still in pursuit of true style. *shrugs*

Before I forget, Vinz was very appreciative of what I did. (I delivered a big plastic bag of sinturis on their doorstep with a letter saying I was there. None of them were awake then.) He told me that he was tearful because he was so touched. The others love the sinturis too. Caleb was hinting that he wants to eat in my house. I can converse properly with him now. He wants to eat arroz caldo because it got rave reviews. It's only natural. I hope the inuman pushes through so that he'll be able to join us. He said he wanted to come when he's got other people to come with. Tee hee~! (I still got a crush on him. But less than before! Haha.)

I woke up half an hour ago. I'm still sleep. Bangag kumbaga. :P I'm even dreaming of my work. Aaargh. Stress invades my sleep!!! I hope that I can learn how to detach.  It's bad enough to take calls when I'm awake. It's worse in my dreams! I don't have any FS (Floor Support) or Techhelp. Aaargh~

Mama says it's normal. I say it's weird.

I hope I can host an inuman party on Saturday. My friends from work will stay over the night and we'll have a great time. I hope they will~

I want to have a Belle du Jour Power Planner. :)

OMG!

Jamie Lyn Spears is PREGNANT?!

I think the world is coming to an end. I knew Britney Spears was going to go off the deep end but I didn't think that it could affect her sister! It's shocking. I heard the rumor from my cousin. I Googled it and there were plenty of gossip celeblogs around that had information. OMG. It's like hearing my own 16-year-old sister is pregnant! Believe me, I know Jamie Spears has a bright future. I used to watch her tv show. I look at her and think that maybe she can avoid the pitfalls of Hollywood. Well, it looks like our little miss Spears isn't careful.

In today's world, news of teenage pregnancies are common. Nobody bats an eyelash anymore. It's disturbing. As I listen to young teen celebrities having babies one after another, I can't help but feel shocked to the core. We're living in a sexually liberated era, I know. First it was Vanessa Hudgens who let somebody take nude pictures of her. That disappointed millions of her fans who looked up to her whenever she sang in High School Musical. There's also fashion icon Nicole Richie who got pregnant by Hilary Duff's ex Joel Madden... Now there's Jamie Lyn Spears who's 16 and about to have her first baby. Camille Prats also got knocked up and that's the reason why she's in the States. Do we notice a trend in here?

Philippines isn't a stranger to teen pregnancies. I know of a few people who got married early just because they got pregnant. One of them was even a friend of mine! Believe me, babies are gifts from God. But I don't think that getting them at such a young age is a blessing. Sometimes it ruins lives. Sometimes it shatters dreams. Because the lives of these young girls are not theirs anymore. They do not have the chance to reach for their own dreams and to experience fulfillment. They took the biggest step of their life. They had their babies.

Well, it's their choice anyway. It's their lives. I don't have any right to tell them what to do. Yes, that's true. I'm not putting anyone down. I'm looking at it realistically. It all comes down to choice. You can or cannot do it. It's all up to you. So if you do, be sure you know what you're doing. As Asia Agcaoili once said, "if you're going to do it, at least do it right." I think that these things happen because of a mixture of circumstances, ignorance and curiosity. I don't know their circumstances because there are so many possibilities... But I'm sure that you know as much as I do that when there's a will, there's a way. People find ways to do it. They might've been misinformed or uninformed about the safe sex and the use of protection. Or they might've done it just one time and didn't think (or know) that it's all that it needs. Add choice and you've got quite a potent mix.

I might sound prudish to you but I still believe in old-fashioned values. I don't exactly believe that you must save yourself for marriage. That's quite impractical in today's world. Think about this: would you buy a car without testing it? Virginity doesn't really guarantee a successful marriage. People who aren't sexually compatible don't get along as well either. There are lots of virginity myths that ought to be debunked! I don't believe in saving yourself from marriage but I believe in safe sex and cool discernment on whoever you're going to do it with. Relationships count. I think that you must have a deep and loving relationship before engaging in any sexual activity. I must truly be in love with that person. And I may be sexually adventurous but I'm not cheap or 'easy'. I won't jump into the sack with every guy I see. I'm not ready for casual sex or one-night stands.

My point is that we have to look after our youth. We have to teach them to be careful. We have to emphasize the importance of their future and their lives. It might be all right for others who are financially well-off but it doesn't bode well for those who aren't. We have to keep them on the right track as much as possible. We can't stop them from going out and having sex but we can teach them about safe sex. We have to stop baby-making as a hobby. ^^()

===

I'm 18 right now. I've got some sexual experience. But I broke up with Carlo because I have to deal with my issues. It's only fair to us. I am not ready for a serious and committed relationship. I have work and I'm happy. I've got friends~! It's all right to be selfish. I'm going to enjoy that selfishness for as much as I can because the time will come when I have to give that up. I hope that's for a long, long time.