There's also a point in my life when I thought that my absentee father is the reason why I seek love. I hanker after boys who are unreachable, men who are unavailable and men who are just the same as him. I had difficulty relating to boys because I didn't understand how their minds worked. I had some twisted idea that I need to find a man who is broken so I can fix him or change him... Then I thought that if I find a man who is willing to love me then it will probably fill up the holes and voids that's gaping open in my being. (It's very simple really. I wanted to know if I'm capable of loving or being loved by a man after being ignored most of my life by the guy who's supposed to be my number one.) But now I'm smarter about those matters, still no thanks to him.

We need a father. Although he's bringing me to work every working day at 4:30 AM, that's still not enough. We need a father who can support us emotionally, physically and financially. We need a father whom we do not fear in that sick, scary way. We need the man who promised to love and care for the woman that we love most in the entire world. Never mind the flaws. Forget the past. The whole point of accepting him as our father means forgiving his mistakes and forgetting his flaws, in spite of everything. I know he's sinking in his underworld right now or whatever emotional turmoil but he needs to rise above. He needs to become the man that he has to be.

I'm still not a daddy's girl. I don't think I'll ever be.

I'm a big girl.

Oh no, I'm not talking metaphorically. I mean that literally. I'm a 5'3" girl with a large frame that overwhelms my skinny peers. Even when I was a little girl, I was a large girl.

Imagine how it felt to be around small and skinny girls who carried their weight around confidently. (Never mind that they might be malnourished or something... I haven't even heard of genetics or proper health yet.) My mother lovingly wrote it off as my baby fat; my father recommended a diet when I was in fourth grade. Don't forget the contradictory messages from my relatives! One side said that my parents should let me eat while the other side agreed with my father and was concerned with my diet too. It's push-pull and here-there. It didn't help that most of the classmates I met during the course of my formative years were all thin, pretty and petite. It didn't help my self-esteem because I thought I was not fitting in.

So the I-need-to-be-thin thought train began to take over.


"I have to be thin. I have to get thin. I have to fit in. I need to be like them." It's amazing how destructive those thoughts are. It all but consumed me. I thought about nothing but my weight so my life began to unravel. I had good friends, a loving family and an excellent education but that's not enough for me. I had to be thin so that my life will be perfect. I had to be like them- my classmates and friends that I admired so much who sashayed and floated through school halls- so that I can start liking myself.

It doesn't help that our society's standard for beauty is merciless. Our body worships the thin ideal: small waist, large breasts, long legs and longer hair. The media is saturated with images of sexiness and desirability. It has a subliminal effect that burrows deep inside our consciousness so that it's the standard that we think we must follow. Everyone in our society wants to be like that.

I shunned magazines because it's full of pretty girls and impossible dreams. Most of the time, I worry. I feel insecure compared to them. "Why can't I look that? Why don't they look like me? Why can't I change my body?" And insecurity is a terrible thing... I hid it behind my wild clothes, crazy makeup, large personality and weird hobbies. I pretended not to care about clothes and fashion in favor of books. (Of course, they didn't need to be pretty!) I forgot about my weight when my attention is focused on other things...

My body shed the weight slowly over the years but it's a rollercoaster ride. I'd lose the weight and then gain it back again. Although I know that I'm already on my height's ideal weight, it still bothers me. Why? I'm healthy, robust and larger than life. I shouldn't worry so much about my weight, should I? I sometimes look in the mirror and see myself as fat, even though I'm perfectly healthy. Why?

It's because I'm seeing myself as a fat person. It's all in my head. It's how I see myself. My body didn't have anything to do with it. It's all in my mind and it's affecting my whole outlook towards life. It was my insecurity that's talking and ruling my life. When I realized that I was ruining my chances with myself, I started to try to turn the spiral around.

I started to think positively. I focused more on my hobbies. I began to value the things that I had. I had to get over myself! By and by, my attention on my body melted away.

There are so many things to be thankful for. I'm blessed with a wonderful family, a set of loyal and reliable friends, a loving boyfriend, an excellent education and a great job. I'm busy with friends, appointments and even my faith. As I developed my talent with writing, I realized that there's more to me than my body. I am me and I didn't need to change to be liked by anybody. (My friends love me in spite of what I look like. It's so obvious that I wish that I knew it before. Why should I try to fit in when I can just relish my individuality?)
 
So I don't give society's standard a flying bleep. I don't care if I'm not petite, skinny and pretty. I don't mind if my hair isn't long or my curves aren't pronounced. As long as my body is healthy and it brings me where I want to go, I'm good. I started to appreciate my dark hair, my laughing black eyes and my nicely shaped legs. I adored my delicate hands and my long lashes. That's when I started to see what others appreciated in me all along.

I am thankful that my body is my buddy now. I've made my peace. The point is not in being pretty but in being healthy. Of course I want to be more beautiful -humans all have that vain desire- but it doesn't consume me as much. It doesn't rule my life. It's not my weakness. And now my confidence comes from the inside and not on the outside. And hey, I'm alive.  That's the best blessing that I'm thankful for.  I'm a big girl with a bigger heart!
 

Friends forever: Sissy before she turned on me.
 

Sissy accused me of having one night stands on a regular basis. And she wasn't just satisfied with that! She said that I engaged on it while in a relationship and at my house to boot with a popular coworker! (What mushrooms did you ingest in San Juan to make up such a ridiculous accusation?) If I was in two parties with that coworker, that was because I was trying to set him up with another friend. I threw both parties at my house. There were plenty of people. He courted her. Where was I in that picture? I've faded into the background to accommodate the happiness of a good friend. And I have a spotless reputation and she cannot possibly think that I can betray my boyfriend with a fling. That's ridiculous.

She even went as far as forwarding a message to another common friend to pass on to me. When I read it, my eyebrow disappeared into my hair.

Here's the text message, unedited (Sorry for those who can't understand Filipino...) : "Camille, c jean toh. Anu ba problema? Bakit tau nagkaganito? Panu mo nagawang ipagkalat na nakipag1night stand ako? Hindi ka santa. Gawain mo yun Camille! Ikaw ang madaming nakasex na iba't ibang lalake at kahit bf mo na si jerome di ba kinasex mo si Mike? Tama na Camille ok. Tumigil ka na. Kung anuman nagawa mong kasalanan, pinapatawad na kita. At sana ikaw din, mapatawad mo na ako. Hindi na ako naghahangad na bumalik na ung dati nating samahan basta wag lang tau magsiraan. God Bless, ingat."

Let me refute your accusations with my defense.

I did not engage in promiscuous behavior while I was in a relationship with Jerome. I was not the one who was at fault. I did not spread any rumors and lies for the simple fact that I did not need to. She already had a destroyed reputation to start with. I did not need to make up stories because she herself had told them to countless others with impudence as far as she was concerned. I did not need to ask for sympathy or to convince other people to come to my side because there was simply no sides. There was only the truth and those who were afraid of it. If you will ask any of my friends, you will realize that I've never once asked them to mimic or follow my opinion. I merely relayed what really happened and allowed them to form their own decisions and opinions. I let them read the evidence (the messages that Sissy sent) so they could see the truth and her real personality. I never forced or coerced any of them to abadon Sissy. We had a lot of common friends so it was inevitable for her to lose a bunch of them in one blow. It was all her doing. Not mine.

Who needed to spread rumors and lies when you can just tell the truth? Sometimes the truth is more hurtful. I only shared what happened to me and before I know it, they were also sharing theirs. She was simply amazing in her ability to twist stories to paint her as a victim or to modify her lies to suit the person she's with. I was frankly surprised that she had the gall to assume that all of her friends were pushovers and pawns. They've also been hurt and there were also countless sins committed against them. I couldn't tolerate the idea of other people taking advantage of my friends and then leaving them behind without even a shred of regret. If I hadn't spoken then we would have been trapped in Sissy's tyranny forever.

It was just like in Martial Law. If nobody had stood up or left their homes, we would been trampled. But a brave soul started to go against the rule of the tyrant thus empowering his countrymen enough to overthrow the oppressive hold on them. As ridiculous as it was, Sissy had us at the palm of her hand. But not once did she think that we would rise up and remove the shackles that she lovingly called "friendship" and "trust" and "Sissy you'd help me/do this for me/follow me if you still want to live". As Nelly Yuki in Gossip Girl said, "People aren't jealous of you, Blair. They hate you."

I was really glad that I have good friends who were with me throughout this harrowing ordeal. It was fascinating to know how many people truly cared about you without asking for anything. I've had every reason to be grateful to everyone who listened and comforted me. Everyone- starting from Karen to TM May- were simply marvelous at their support. I also express my gratitude at your desire to not give out my phone number in order to protect me from that bitch's rampage. Thank you very, very much.

I did not need to fight back. There was no way I was going to stoop to her level or to engage her in the same warfare. She already lost everything. What's the satisfaction in destroying her more? I didn't think that she was supposed to be laughed at or ridiculed. I think she was better off as a pitiful and pathetic person with no job and no friends. After all, if she was more careful and she did not discard us so easily, we wouldn't have abandoned her.

Mind who you step on with your high heels your way up, you might meet them on your way down.